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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Review
Published on April 1, 2016 2:23 PM
2 minute read
1764 Views

 Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is one of the most highly acclaimed games of all time, which proves nostalgia is far more important than actual quality. Let's face it. Zelda isn't good. Zelda has never been good. And Zelda will never be good. 

 Why is that? Let's start with the obvious points: these games are fucking slow. I mean seriously, do we have to play Farmville before we can start a quest? What's up with that first dungeon? It's all so boring. Zelda games never get good until after the first dungeon, and that's not "pacing" or anything, it's bad design. But hey, this is Nintendo right? The same company that made seven billion Mario games, only one of which is any good.

 All these games are the same. All of them! There is literally no difference. They all play the same, have the same items, same puzzles, same shit different graphical style.

 There are also far too many puzzles. Why can't I kill shit? Right, because the combat is garbage and Nintendo tries to hide that by making us do Maths homework.

 Realistically, I think this is just a problem with Nintendo. They can't make good games. I don't think Nintendo have ever made a good game. They were just the first so they get away with everything. Or maybe it's more insidious than that...

 To be fair, there are some positives to this game. I like how... um... there's a horse. I like how... um... there's time travel, that's cool. But the rest of the game is bullshit. Fuck the woods. Fuck this game, and fuck everything about it. If you like it, you have no taste. If you like Nintendo you have no taste. In fact you're un-American.

 Ocarina of time is simply a poorly made piece of garbage and you should be ashamed to like it. Fuck you pixlbit.

Comments
0
Posted on April 1, 2016 2:26 PM

aren't those screenshots from Majora's Mask?

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:49 PM

Glad someone noticed.

Posted on April 2, 2016 7:04 PM

When u troll you are damn good at it.

Posted on April 1, 2016 3:07 PM

The joys of Blake on April 1st.  Thanks for this.

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:50 PM

You're welcome.

Posted on April 1, 2016 5:09 PM

But you have to admit, the CDi Zelda games WERE pretty good. :)

Posted on April 1, 2016 5:44 PM

LOL

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:53 PM

Well, they're less boring than the first hour of Twilight Princess, I'll give them that.

Posted on April 1, 2016 5:44 PM

I knew what I was in for before I came in here. Happy April Fools day.

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:53 PM

Happy April Fools Day to you too sir. 

Posted on April 1, 2016 6:56 PM

Even if it is April fools day, this article is sadly quite accurate. Cry 

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:54 PM

April Fools: the one day a year you can be honest about games and not have your teeth kicked in.

Posted on April 2, 2016 9:18 PM

Hence, why I found it safe to agree to hate zelda in that little safe spot called April Fools, otherwise, Zelda is God! Zelda is Great! Zelda is Life! Zelda is Perfect!

Posted on April 2, 2016 9:55 PM

Five F'in Stars!

Posted on April 1, 2016 8:46 PM

Oh, I get it. You are praising Majora's Mask by contrasting it with the more derivative OoT. I'm the cleverest boy in town!

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:55 PM

Almost definitely.

Posted on April 1, 2016 8:50 PM

You know, at first I saw "Review of Ocarina of Time" and said to myself, "oh, not again.". And then I saw your name and said to myself, "wait, this might be good". Thanks for the laughs.

Posted on April 2, 2016 6:56 PM

Thank you for the comment :D

Posted on April 4, 2016 2:53 PM

This is why you're awesome Blake. I'm in tears laughing right now.

Posted on April 4, 2016 8:34 PM

Thanks man! Good to have you back.