STAGE SELECT:
Two words: Rumble.  Vest. https://youtu.be/r9gx_wAaq5A?t=398

Another big one is the Game Genie but maybe not for the reason you're thinking.  I was playing a Mario 64 creepy romhack over Halloween and while it didn't gel with me I thought of my childhood.  I remember my sibling was big on experimenting with the Game Genie trying to unlock weapons that didn't exist or modify movement patterns.  But what invariably happened was that they'd cause the game to crash which always produced a kind of creepy side effect, usually involving one rushing to the console to switch it off since the sound engine would mess up and more likely than not start blaring a glitched tone sequence while the graphics got more and more corrupted.  And you never really knew when it would happen, you could be playing the game normally and then get a jump scare outta nowhere because the code modification was slightly off.  Heck, sometimes that happened on consoles without a Game Genie if there was a bad connection, or if it overheated, or whatnot.

But the heyday of game modification didn't last very long, among other things such as the complexity of the device (which rose prices) or that the companies got in trouble and were targeted for legal action (deserved or not), even when newer consoles had it it involved using Master Codes and whatnot which killed experimentation (plus later consoles didn't load as fast and the disc ones even required swapping).  I was thinking it was a shame really that younger people didn't get to experience that kind of wild fright, especially one where it occurred when it felt like you were doing something you really weren't supposed to be doing, because with all the weird niche horror communities they'd probably eat that up.  At least I always thought that stuff was much creepier than junk like, "Wouldn't it be scary if Mario from Mario 64 didn't have a face?  I mean that never happens but wouldn't that be scary?"  Yawn.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Did you know in Winter Heat the character B.B. (a mysterious, non-gendered figure in the manual, like Samus kinda) replaces Jef Jansens from Decathlete, and when you win as her she says, "Jef, it's all done"!?  You won't even find this tidbit online btw, but if you don't believe me it's Speech 105 in the Sound Test.  Also, you can unlock characters (including Jef who replaces B.B) but only in the Japanese version!  What other type of game has this deep, hidden lore?  Winter Heat wins!

STAGE SELECT: Personally?  Probably nothing really, all the rareish stuff I have (like Tron Bonne and Mega Man legends PC complete with box, I think that's worth >$100 at least) I actually purchased brand new.  Even like the NES garage sale games I got as a teen were never worth much I believe.  A lot of the retro games I really, really like I found as an adult and never had as a physical cartridge or anything.

But, hmmm, maybe I can share this if I'm vague.  I found a rare video game on eBay, the kinda that goes for hundreds of dollars the few times it pops on auction sites, for about $50.  I sent it off to a preservation site to see if they could do anything with it but unfortunately the methods just aren't there yet for the thing as it used some newer components, and really it's not popular enough to have anybody working on it since they can work on more popular stuff.  I did get some cool pics out of it lol but afaik it's just in somebody's closet right now.  I still check auction sites looking for another copy that I could own personally, but it's been many, many years and I've only seen it pop up, at it's expensive prices, a few times!  At least I got to play it a little before I shipped it off which is kinda cool too.

CAGE MATCH: What do you get when you cross the protagonist of Super Meat Boy with the protagonist of I Am Bread?  A real hero.  A real hero.  Like a hero sandwich.  Fuck you.  Super Meat Boy wins!

STAGE SELECT:
Sorry for the double but I'm going to go with the classic: escort missions.  I'm actually usually pretty ambivalent about them in general but it does seem like when you get a bad escort mission, woof.  I refuse to believe anybody actually beat Goldeneye, especially on the harder difficulties.  You can still say "Natalya" to somebody that had Goldeneye and they'll shoot off curses like a knee-jerk reaction.  RareGamer.com has this to say about it, "In later missions, Natalya would wield her own firearms to take on Janus‘s henchmen, though turning the weapon up to her own face before firing might have made things a little more painless."  Fun fact, they made a pseudo-remake of Goldeneye for the Wii (replacing the model with Daniel Craig of all weirdness) and, despite many of the sections being very different, one where you protect her (Control) is, yep, also game-endingly awful.

If you want another type of mission: arena missions where the enemies just kinda pop in from nothing, especially if they can do so right behind you.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Okay, hear me out.  We know Souls fans when you talk about Souls games: "Tryhard."  "Elden Ring's not even a real Souls game."  "Wow, talking about a Souls game, how unique."  Nobody cares, every podcast everywhere talks about Souls games, it's nothing.  But if Nerds Without Pants became the official Sonic and the Secret Rings podcast?  Have you met a Sonic fan?  We could double our viewership!  Heck, with the way Julian has been talking about it, maybe even triple or quadruple!  Sonic fans will consume *anything*!  Nerds Without Pants: The Official Podcast of Sonic and the Secret Rings (but only that, we have standards) wins!

STAGE SELECT: I'm also one of those people that destroys every barrel, hacks every computer, steals every item, uses a window instead of a door, and absolutely never uses a potion, you know, just in case I have to later (there is no later).  Here's a couple I didn't see mentioned.  If a game has the possibility of a Goomba stomp, ya gotta try it.  I've also perfected battles in various Castlevania games but have become visibly agitated if I miss a cool dive kick into the orb or whatever the boss drops.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Where do you guys come up with some of these games?  It's bizarre.  Just these funny little games no one has ever played and certainly nobody cares about.  And what a silly name, "Neverwinter Nights".  Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance wins!

Stage Select:
I'm going to go with Bob Page and Wilton Simons from Deus Ex.  Bob Page is a guy who's too privileged even for his own secret society.  And Walton Simons is a guy who JC calls *himself* an ugly son of a bitch just to insult.

Video Game Cage Match:
Ain't no rules says the dog can't win a cage match.  Nitus wins!

STAGE SELECT: In a generalized quest model, Q is the quest, C is the catalyst to initiate the quest, G represents the stages of growth or genesis of the hero, and Y represents the conquering of the hero's inevitable destiny.  The dual approach to defining a quest includes six antithetical stages between the models, indicated by matched superscript numbers. For example, Individualism in the singular quest (see Table 3) has an opposite stage of Collaboration in the synergy quest in (see Table 4), and Solitary Victory in the singular quest is opposed by Group Victory in the synergy quest. This offers significantly different play experiences: solitary versus collaboration, receiving versus giving aid, large or small spatial displacement, and singular versus group victory. The differences between the singular and synergy quests can be expressed similarly.  Therefore, Quest sub 1 = d (spatial movement) >((Stimulus of goal/objecting,Crossed Threshold,≤),(Individual Forms of Assistance,(Trials,≤,Rewards)),((Enemy/Entity to overcome,Boon),Barriers,≤,Transfiguration (of hero and/or ordinary world)).  Or to put it another way, Q sub i=d>((S(g),H,≤),(A sub r,(T,≤,R)),((E,B),I,≤,F)).  Source: Harris and Caldwell (2023).  Oh, side quests are just quests you do on the side.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Castlevania wins.  However, in 100 years or whatever Castlevania will be public domain while Mickey Mouse still won't be for some reason.  Maybe Disney will argue that the founding fathers meant "keep [and] bear arms" to include other anthropomorphic animals or some shit.  So who really wins?

STAGE SELECT: I misheard this question and was under the impression it was a monkey paw thing so I don't really have a good one at the last second here.  I did hear that Nintendo was happy about the Mario movie and was looking into making other films of their properties.  I think a Star Fox movie might be pretty cool, even if it might end up a bit dry.  Hell, they probably still have those Star Fox puppets in storage, just break those out.  Knowing Nintendo, though, they'll probably just continue to partner with Illumination doing all the safe things.  Look out for "EXCCUUUUUSEE ME, PRINCESS!" and a whole overly long bit about Song of Storms (fart joke).

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Oh, Blades of Steel easy, no jokes or anything.  I spent hours in this game picking fights beating the hell out of the opposite team until they were left defenseless without a standing opponent on their side.  It's practically just a fighting game wrapped in a sports game's shell.  And then you get to play the first level of Gradius or whatever.  Blades of Steel wins!

STAGE SELECT: The one I always here about is Arkane's classic example, where in Prey your domicile's toilet seat defaults to up if you play as the guy and down if you play as the girl.  But UnderTale's the main one I wanted to bring up since I have a... well, not a story as that would mean it goes somewhere but stay with me.  The demo is what I want to talk about, it includes a manual and as you go through the demo it changes.  In particular it gets creepily defaced when you do the Genocide Route as it became known.  If I remember correctly there was even plans to replace your computer's wallpaper but it fell through (along with the manual being in the full game) due to mainly computer system rights issues and antivirus detections.  UnderTale always comes to mind for me personally because it was sort of a right place, right time kind of thing for me.  I got in the demo VERY early because I happened to be frequenting an indie game development topic on some forums for a very short time and a user was like, "Hey, my friend from another forum that made like a couple EarthBound hacks just released this demo thing."  I got hooked on it immediately and even messaged Toby Fox a few times.  We even went back and forth and figured out a bug (which I thought was another branching path at the time!) although if I remember there's actually still a version of it in the final game.  Just a weird thing that happened to me because I was on the fringe edge of a thing where someone in that circle was part of a weird fringe in another circle that just barely interconnected!

CAGE MATCH: Ummm, mirror check time!  "Elite Dangerous" sounds like what that little brat Tommy in your fifth grade classroom started calling himself after he bought a cheap pair of sunglasses at a drug store and starting wearing them to school until the home room teacher, Mrs. Temsley, had to confiscate them which only took like a couple days but was still way too long.  Gag!  "No Man's Sky" sounds moody and poetic and deep and like what the emo kid calls himself but then you kind of figure out it's just a word play on the term "No Man's Land" which just sounds stodgey and it's not even like a good pun or anything and then you just feel bad for him and embarressed and not in a good way.  Thank god you are one of the popular girls!  But unfortunately for you, you told Venessa that you kinda thought Robert Smith from The Cure was kinda cute and if Vanessa tells anyone YOU WILL JUST DIE!  No Man's Sky wins.  Fer sure!

STAGE SELECT:
I'm not sure if I had the habit first or I picked it up because I played so much Mega Man Battle Network but I can't do the occassionally fist pump without thinking of when Mega Man or Lan do one when picking up an item: https://youtu.be/Rx3pM7zKo4Q?t=7119 .  There's over 6 games worth of that damn fist pump and it's even done in Star Force so you see it *a lot* if you play through those series.  I'm sure there's others as I'm always spouting some nonsense referencial garbage (Henshin A Go Go Baby!) but that's the one that pops up for me right now.  One of the weirdest now that I think about it that just randomly pops up occassionally is "*wolf whistle* I like that!" from the very, very bizarre first cinamatic No More Heroes trailer back when it was called Project Heroes.  Every word of that trailer is voiced, in English, as if an alien race had to invent language from whole cloth.  That's right, not even from the game, from the weird teaser trailer that came years before I probably saw on IGN or something: https://youtu.be/jumf7jtB9x4?t=194 .  Brains are stupid.

CAGE MATCH:
Remember that monster you created when you put your Matchbox 20 CD in the PSX?  Well, it's still waiting for you.  And boy is it pissed.  Monster Rancher wins!

STAGE SELECT:
You know, all the classics.  Metal Gear Solid.  Pokemon Yellow.  Thief: The Dark Project.  3D Frog Man.  Wetris: Tetris but damp.  Arm Joe starring Mr. 24601 himself, Jean Valjean.  Gex: Enter the Gecko.  Iggy's Reckin' Balls again.  Oh shit, Quest 64!

CAGE MATCH:
I was researching this and, right there on Kobe Bryant in NBA Courtside's Wikipedia page it says, "Due to licensing agreements, a fictional player named 'Roster Player #98' is used in [Michael] Jordan's place." SO - MY - VOTE - GOES - TO - ROSTER - PLAYER - 98.

STAGE SELECT: In The Maze of Galious, you can play as Princess Aphrodite and save your now demon-filled castle (Castle Greek) from the clutches of the evil mage Galious.  Doing so will not only reclaim your kingdom but also save your future unborn child who was kidnapped from heaven and shut within.  If that's not girl power, I don't know what is.

CAGE MATCH: Again, Sylvando.  Dragon Quest XI wins.

STAGE SELECT:
Oh, that's easy, even though I wasn't really a Microsoft person my favorite demos (like, ever!) were in 2007 and 2008 for the Xbox 360.  August 21st, 2007 was the release of the Skate demo, a demo so good some people say it stopped people from picking up the real game.  Sure it was only the first area, but it introduced an insane new control system that you could do *fully* right from the start.  No unlockables or pesky mechanical progression here, everything you can do in the game you can do right in that little community center skatepark.  Well, for 30 minutes at a time, anyways.  I spent hours and hours replaying it and trying little tricks, looking up online for glitches and neat little lines, until I was absolutely sick of it.  And apparently so did everyone else, instead of actually *buying* the game.  It cemented my love for the series that I would never regret (well, barring the terrible Skate It spin-off for the Wii, DS, and iOS, yikes.  Also, who knows how that new one will be!  But besides that, 3 golden games).  October 31st, 2008 was the the release of the Mirror's Edge demo, another game with controls that blew my mind.  And while it didn't have the longevity of the Skate series there's actually a decent official 2D version made in Flash by the guy that did Fancy Pants Adventure.  And Catalyst... exists.  Sure it got most things wrong but much of it is fine.  I think?  Anyway, Mirror's Edge is great, just fast paced first-person parkour with a bunch of neat little tricks and shortcuts you can learn in grand, sprawling handcrafted levels with an absolute killer soundtrack.  You can run, you can slide, you can kick off buildings and hit difficult speed-saving rolls.  Eventually, years later, I even hit the in-game speedrun times and max starred the time trials (including the DLC), which is no mior task.  It might've been the first game I really put a lot of effort into!  At least something that wasn't like, I don't know, Contra or Battletoads or something.  But into something *actually* fun.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
I'm sorry, I gotta go with the people on this one.  And I've seen more pictures on social media of shirtless Mario then I've ever seen of shirtless Dead or Alixe Xtreme Beach Volleyball characters.  Apparently it's just what the people want!  I don't even care if it's the wrong game.  You're thinking of it right now.  Shirtless Mario.  Don't lie.  Super Mario Sunshine wins!

Stage Select: Argh, I had so many I wanted to bring up, notes I started last week and everything, and then of course this week I forget until Friday morning after having shut off my laptop and am well into OTC melatonin haze.  So this'll be a fast one!  Or at least one that makes less and less sense as it goes on.  It's going to be that one.

First is every enemy where the developer is like, "Come on, you know, I know you know I know you know."  Like when they put Foot Clan soldiers right in front of those hydrants in TMNT 2: The Arcade Game (or I think there's ninjas you can baseball shuryukins at, that's a great feeling, any counter) or those Willys early on in Double Dragon that just so happen to be right in front of that huge industrial pit or whatever that's supposed to be.  If they could model little tennis shoes on the Famicom I bet one or two of them would choose that *exact* moment to tie their laces.

The second one that comes to mind right now is from Nioh 1, this is going to take some explanation.  I think it's Tachibana Muneshige that was in the Beta before Nioh's release.  There's a skill called Composure that the Ninjitsu branch gives you where, and I don't know the details, but you get a skill where as long as you're unarmed you can do a counter move by grabbing the human enemy's blade or weapon with your bare hands, twisting it out of their grip, and using their own weapon against them to stab them in the gut for massive damage.  I couldn't find the details but I'm fairly sure the hitbox frame time is much, much smaller than the normal counters that you can do with weapons normally for good but not amazing damage.  I can't stress it enough, you don't want to be unarmed for a long period as it's not even a style really, it's just you can't really attack or defend hardly at all (even the dodge is funky).  During the Beta I got really, really good at baiting in a certain 3-hit combo from Tachibana and hitting the Composure counter at the last one.  I even beat the boss that way without taking damage, which still takes a bit of doing even being perfect with the counters.  Thankfully, doing any sort of counter like that is still really good in Nioh, especially when the game throws 2 or 3 human bosses at you at once as a challenge for the end and postgame.  So learning counters early and just having a laugh doing the hardest version of that over and over again actually paid dividends in the end.  Take that, Nobunaga's ambition!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Okay, skunks are more terrifying than bunnies, sure.  *Normally.*  But being "punky" just kinda means being cool which actually makes it less terrifying, power-wise.  And a bunny with the power of organized religion?  That's just super terrifying.  Easter Bunny’s Big Day wins.

If nobody submitted Easter Bunny's Big Day vs Punky Skunk as a cage match I'm super, super disappointed in this community.

STAGE SELECT:
"...O-N-A-C-I-O-U-S.  Perspicaticanonacious."
"Correct.  You're our winner, if you can get past the dodgeball round."

And that's mini-games.  I just want to get really good at the game part of the game, you know?  If I wanted a fishing game I'd stop playing whatever it is I'm playing and go get a *good* fishing game.  Nintendo and Square-Enix are particularly bad about there weirdly difficult mini-games outta nowhere.  A special circle of hell if they're required to complete the game or get otherwise good side content.

This is a long tangent and feel free to skip it or read it later, but the topic reminded me of something I think applies.  I'm currently playing the GameBoy Color remake of Dragon Warrior III.  It adds a feature that every monster has a slim chance of dropping a monster medal.  To get to the extra superboss, it requires that you get a silver medal of every single monster in the game.  I'm not exactly sure of the odds, but you have a something like a 1:16 chance of getting any medal drop (although treasures seem to get in the way too), less if you're trying to get a higher quality medal, from the last enemy you kill.  Thankfully, the game only requires you to get 2 bronze medals to equal a silver.  There's also a gold medal (non-upgradeable) that does nothing but the last superboss challenges you to do it... and rewards you by being asleep (which actually is a punishment as it prevents a refight).  Also, some enemies are extremely rare to appear in and of themselves, so enjoy the 1:128 possibility of a gold medal from a monster you weren't even sure was actually there in the first place.  Well, actually enjoy getting bronzes and silvers from it too because the game has an incremental system for medal drops.  I don't know where that applies because it's not even a good idea in the first place, but I'm glad games (even grindy ones!) have mainly gotten far away from garbage like that.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
I had the Scott Pilgrim vs The World remake crash on the last level of the game, which would have required me to replay the whole extra long level if I was going to try it again (hint: I did not), so I'm using my video game gambling funds to pay the referee to look the other way.  Plants vs Zombies wins!

STAGE SELECT:
I know it's not really the question but I'm going to be the twit that says, "None, really." There's so many neat games out there and I want to play them all, damn it. Damn you, time! There are a bunch of games, like any early Super Mario Bros games, that I just can't play without having such a subjective stain on things it's practically solipsistic. Weirdly it's not every game I played in childhood, I replayed Metroid and Zelda 1 and they're fine, experience things I don't remember and the games, while not exactly fresh, still take some getting used to. Not the same for Super Metroid and most of Zelda 2 though! I can practically play those in my sleep. Once I also got bad feedback when I recommended Mystical Ninja for the SNES, it didn't even occur to me how harsh the overworld segments can be. Just didn't even register!

Oh, also a lot of adventure games would be good ones to replay fresh, or anything you need to figure out. I could mention the classics (and I'll mention some real adventure classics like The Maze of Galious and Legacy of the Wizard), but for the other part I'll say that Fez is such an experience that really you can't go back to. Once you know everything, the puzzling is still interesting but it's nothing like the first time. A lot of games where the gimmick is figuring out the controls, like Umihara Kawase or Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy, are games you can certainly keep trying to master but, in a way really, it's not the same game as the one you play while struggling.

Finally, if nobody mentioned it I'll say any immersive sim. Part of the fun in Hitman is experimenting with things but that becomes more limited when you master it (then it's just weird edge cases and stealth stuff). It's less interesting when you realize 90% of items are just the same throwable melee attack. Although I want to be clear, I'm not smacktalking Hitman. To that game's credit, it is immersive sim-y enough there's some really weird edge cases and strategies to master (and because of that it has an insane speedrun/challenge community). But I figure it's another good example of a game where the meta changes drastically once you get used to it.

CAGE MATCH:
Dr. Muto's got Vexx on the ropes! Who will save the Astara from the Shadowraiths now? But what's this!? By gawd, it's Iggy's Reckin' Balls to the back of the head! Wow! They're gonna have to finish the Genitor 9000 just to rebuild his skull! What a duo, definitely our favorite tag team (checks card), Vexx and Iggy's Reckin' Balls! Vexx wins!

Wow, what timing, I just completed the newer Chrono Trigger port with the Chrono Cross content added!

Please give it to whatever the other game listed is.  Sheesh.

Usually Twitter is OK about giving me NWP content but since the troubles started it's been worse and worse.  Didn't even see this one went up until the other day (although part of that's my fault, I should be checking my podcaster).  Thankfully I'm getting plenty of Facebook-quality political posts though!

Stage Select:
I saw a random headline yesterday: "Gfuel has announced a Conker's Bad Fur Day 'Might Poo' Flavor.  My question is this: What other crimes against humanity would you like to see vis-a-vis gaming?  Thank you.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Giving this to Chrono Cross. One of the best Mario games versus a lesser sequel is a no-brainer.

Holidays, amirite?

STAGE SELECT: A new crimeboss rolls into Gotham City and, through advanced information brokering, figures out the identity of Batman.  Joining up with the thugs and supergangs of Gotham, an all-scale attack is set out on Wayne Manor.  Most of the superhoroes are too busy mopping up distraction campaigns and stopping the most ruthless, military-scale attacks.  The game plays out like a mix between Home Alone and a real-time stealth game, where you set traps and ambush invaders seeking to clip the bat.  While the superheroes are busy, you do have limited access to minor ones such as The Oracle, Robin, etc., who can use their specialties and tools under certain conditions.  Good new: this is home turf and you know this place better than the back of your hand.  Bad (bat) news: you are NOT The Batman, The Batman currently being on critical life support deep within the manor after an earlier attack.  Moving him is perilious at best.  Best news: You are Alfred  "Perhaps you relied on my master's vow against using lethal force.  Let me assure you that I subscribe to no such niceties." Pennysworth.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Spider-Man (2018) is fine I guess, but does it have Bruce Campbell telling you to go jump into a lake?  Spider-Man 2 (2004) wins.  Also, the swinging is tricky which is fun!

Oops, missed one!  Been celebrating the holidays so I probably just missed the Tweet.

STAGE SELECT:
What advice would you give your younger self if you could go back in time?
If you follow the Nerds Without Pants Podcast you'll have the opportunity to give your younger self advice by going back in time!

What is your comfort movie or TV show?
I have a lot but let's see if I can think of an interesting one... I think Avatar: The Last Airbender makes a great workout mix.

Who would play you in a movie?
Have you ever seen Todd Solondz's Palindromes?  Boy, there's an awkward question.  I just think it would be funny to be played by a bunch of strongly disparate actors and actresses.

What's a word that should come back?
Gnarly.

What food is too much work for you to bother with?
I don't like handling meat and I like carbs so I tend to bake instead.

How big of a difference has corn made in YOUR life?
Some questions are just too personal to ask.

Are gift certificates actually gifts?
Watching shadows on a cave wall.  The sound of one hand clapping.

Should I (Justin Hamm) spend an exorbitant amount money for a new PC?
Am I Justin Hamm in this question?  God damn do I hate dolphins.  For myself, I'm actually happier with just a decent computer (or even a laptop) and then use the money elsewhere (video games, hobbies, whatever).  As long as it can run most everything at low-mid settings that's more than fine for me.  And even most cheapo gaming computers can do that.  The only thing I dislike about mine is that it doesn't have enough RAM for seamless multitasking or weird computer/art projects, and I could fix that with $150 or so.  Then again, I've seen what modding can do to a computer.  Maybe wait for whatever the new big modding game is and then spend too much?  Or follow sale discussion sites and strike whenever the opportune time to get discounted cards is?

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Samus's normal Power Bombs are no match for Zangief's Flying Power Bombs.  Street Fighter 2 wins.

STAGE SELECT: Sorry all, technical problems this week (just fixed my laptop, boy, what a couple of months!) so I didn't even see this until right now, but on the topic I did want to recommend a YouTube video by "Displaced Gamers" called "The Broken Water Level of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) - Behind the Code".  This isn't just a normal critique video, the person actually breaks down the code and even uses LUA programming to display the hitboxes on the screen so there's a nice visual.  They even create new code to try and fix the problems with it, most which would fit in a regular NES Game Genie's limitations.  Suffice it to say, the issue with that part goes way beyond what you can normally observe.  Again, that's "The Broken Water Level of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) - Behind the Code" by "Displaced Gamers".  Highly recommend!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Horses so realistic they keel over at the slightest breeze, just like the genuine articles.  Grand Theft Auto V wins by default.

Just an update, I'm finally back home from the fire evacuation and am only 3 hours behind on this new one!  Not bad considering, and boy is it a good one.  Reminds me of wandering around SimCopter with the radio blaring about Mr. Fuzzy's Mouse Tail and Asparagus Cat Food, Harry's Puddings ("Whatever he does, it sure makes a difference!  Harry's: Engineered for smoother texture."), One-Eyed Bob's ("I want the best for my family.  So for vacuum-packed bricks of military surplus nutritional substitute I go to One-Eyed Bob's, where clerks double-bag on request.  Follow the fog 'til you run out of gas, then turn left.  Bob's."), or trying to catch all of Lazlow's stuff in Grand Theft Auto.  Great stuff!  I do resent the implication I would submit a "troll" entry.  Mine was 100% genuine Booky.  As are all the other terrible things I submit.

Oh, my Cage Match submission below is a non-vote, but that felt right considering.

STAGE SELECT:
I don't want to once again mention Human Revolution, and I think I'll save Haggleman for another day, so I'm going to go with Gnat Attack, originally from Mario Paint.  I'm sure most people know what it is but if you don't, it's kind of a "fixed shooter" (or single-screen shooter) where your ship is a hand trying to swat flies with a swatter.  Your hand is vulnerable and controlled entirely by the Super Nintendo Mouse so it has a free-flowing feel to it.  I'd spend hours on it, beating the weird robot fly boss King Watinga in loops repeatedly and once I even unlocked all 15 icons (which isn't as hard as you think, carpal tunnel notwithstanding).  I always thought it would have made a good one of those weird little Wii experiments Nintendo was fond of, but I guess maybe it was a bit too gruesome.  But there has been a few versions of it, most notably in WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$ as a full non-micro mini-game, complete with a Wario hand.  It even shows up in the original Mario Maker.  Fun fact, there must have been a few developers that were fans of it, as in June 2020 it was found that a reimagining of it even showed up in a prototype for the Nintendo 64 Disc Drive game Mario Artist: Paint Studio, though unfortunately it was unfinished and removed completely from the final product.  How odd!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
You have one licensed doctor throwing quote-unquote vitamins, while the other mass-manufactures... mean beans?  Is this the state of our healthcare system?  The insurance companies win.

Hey guys I'm currently in the middle of a wildfire evacuation and there's a chance I might lose my home but I couldn't skip a NWP if I could help it!  Just, you know, a real quick one from me this time.  Had better ideas from both but just can't put the research into it unfortunately.

STAGE SELECT: This one goes out to the one I love.  This one goes out to the one I've left behind. https://trashcaneagle.bandcamp.com/track/vegetable-valley-2

CAGE MATCH: We knew they were coming. We did all we could to prepare. But they still set the world on fire.

Ravagers, we called them. The world's militaries fought them with everything they had, but in the end, only one force stood a chance: The EDF, a coalition of humanity's greatest soldiers and scientists. Finally, we shot down their mothership and brought peace to the world...

...for about eight years. It's 2025 now, and our worst fears have come true: That was only the first wave.

But this is not the end. This time, we ARE ready. The EDF has developed over 500 different weapons and vehicles. Our Rangers are crack shots with all kinds of weapons. Our Wing Divers rain down death from above. Our Fencers are walking, steel-clad arsenals. And our Air Raiders can seize control of the battlefield. If it takes four score and seven battles, if we have to fight in the streets, on the beaches, or alongside our allies in cyberspace, we'll fight and we'll win.

Now and forever, we are the Earth Defense Force.

Last Stage Select was definitely one where I went: "Oh, I should've went fun.  All waterfalls should have treasure chests or eat shit.  Every game with a motorcycle, you better be able to do a wheelie.  Oh well."  I also think Kirby is fairly tight in that it's, you know, kinda Smash Bros adjacent (or as tight as Smash Bros is... but actually kind of a little more because Kirby usually has more rigid positioning and less whatever the hell Smash Bros. Ultimate is).

STAGE SELECT:
Gentlemen, there's one target demographic that we're just not doing enough to attract.  And do you know whom that is?  Go on, give it a guess.  Did you say "women"?  Ha, ha, ha!  No.  That's right: toxic gamers.  We're frankly just not hitting the toxic gamer audience at the numbers I *know* we can hit.

Now, imagine: You're number one.  You've destroyed the competition.  You've spend some money on the coolest outfit that money and rage can buy, and the end of game replay cam is shooting off.  Sure, you look cool, but what about the suckers?  What about the dupes?  They just look normal, maybe even slightly cool themselves as you're stomping them into the dirt.  They might have even spent more money than you and I can assure you, as a businessman, that that should make you furious.

That's why I am suggesting the following: skins but for the *other* players.  Can you imagine sliding into the enemy as they wear an "I'm With Stupid" shirt and an arrow pointing up?  Outmaneuvering the saps as stink clouds emanate around them?  $5 might just get you a rare gatcha Clown Ensemble.  Heck, $500 might (emphasis: might) just get you the rare chaser Mime variant!

Now I know what you're thinking: So I can watch a replay at the end of the game.  Big whoop.  But: here's where the NFTs come in.  That's right, every single mock cam (patent pending) can be attached to another player via the blockchain.  These fun videos are guaranteed to play not just right after the match, but *absolutely* guaranteed to play during the matchup cam at the beginning, if the price is right.  Spend a little extra money to fuel your hate and, bam, there you go!  Show them exactly who you are.

And if somebody did it to you first?  Well, just buy it off the free market and you're home free!  That's right, every NFT available is also on our glorious new commodity market.  (Fees apply).  Thanks to required social media integration and lax privacy laws, we can guarantee that your favorite streamer who picks up the game, even for a second, can be the target of your hate.  Attach it to your own profile via credit card or cryptocurrency and everyone can know who owns the Pewds!

Of course, the squeamish might say, "But Booky, nobody would play such a hateful game!  People would bail at the first sign of toxicity!"  But here's the thing: they can't!  For I'm not talking about the next Overwatch or Halo.  Small fish.  Gentlemen: welcome to the brand new FIFA 2024.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
THIS GAME COULD
KILL YOU.
https://i.imgur.com/VBbRWyE.jpg

Also, fuck Capitalism.  The Colonel's Bequest wins!

That's funny, I actually played both Fashion Police Squad and Cursed to Golf so that part stood out to me.  They both had highly regarded demos during the last Steam Next Fest!  Fashion Police Squad, an old DOOM throwback but w/o the killing and gore, had some decent weapon juggling and some interesting bosses.  And Cursed to Golf very well might be the first successful roguelike golf game (don't worry, the levels aren't really procedurally developed though I think there's going to be a postgame upgrade with more randomness).  Cursed to Golf in particularly I liked so much I beat the not-easy-at-all demo challenge!

STAGE SELECT:
I've thought of one I've developed recently, so while it's not fun I'll post it here anyway.  Repeat, it's not a fun one.  Not all of these can be fun ones, sorry.  Look, Kirby and the Forgotten Land is a good game.  A ton of work went into it after dozens of years of 3D HAL failures and mini-games to suss out how it could work.  Trust me, I played Kirby's Blowout Blast.  If you played Kirby's Blowout Blast then I'm all ears.  Forbidden Lands is a new exciting direction, and it's darn cute.  But I kind of hate its success.  I wouldn't put it the top 5 Kirby games.  The actual battling is a bit sloppy (don't get me started on the lack of attack opportunities to enemies with certain powers, even with the slow-down mechanic.  They just love warping and stuff!).  The powers having different abilities is very basic and it almost always is better just to use the latest one.  The levels are fine but they are flat and do kind of get repetitive, and there's an absolutely tiny amount of enemy variety.  I think it's telling that the postgame stuff which is usually a standout of the game gives you a, spoiler alert, healing sword right before it.  Oh, also, I got to experience multiplayer and let me tell you that the Bandana Waddle Dee is *so* much less fun then Kirby, I really think it needs a huge multiplayer update like Kirby Star Allies had.  There wasn't even a single patch for it despite some known bugs let alone anything to balance the game.  So while it's a fun game, I'm kind of worried that its breakout success will kill the classic tighter 2D action that Kirby is known for (or, now I guess, lesser known for) just because it's a more approachable game at a basic level.  A classic sacrifice of function over form.

Here's a couple other ones I thought about.  Think Bionic Commando is the king of grappling games?  Do yourself a favor and play Umihara Kawase for the SNES.  You will suck at it and you will hate it unless or until you get good at it, but it's bar none the best.  Think Mario Bros 3 is the king platformer for the NES?  *Maybe* it is, but do yourself a favor and play Mr. Gimmick anyway.  It has amazing physics, music, graphics, and a solid if unrelenting difficulty all done by a tiny team.  Not as fun, maybe, but it's such a tight experience it's a shame it never got picked up in the US.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Let me ask you this: How can I play Quest 64?  Can I download it on the Switch?  No, you can't even download it on the Wii.  Can I play Plumbers Don't Wear Ties?  Not yet, but a definitive edition *is* coming out later this year.  DEFINITIVE EDITION!  And when that *does* finally come out?  Well, what then?  Quest 64 for the win.

How can this be?  Quest 64 may be the Quest 64 of video games, but Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is the Plumbers Don't Wear Ties of video games.  Also, an unplayed Quest 64 is better than a played one anyways, guarantee it.  While I was looking more into it, I found out Plumbers Don't Wear Ties was the Number 1 entry on PC Gamer's online Must NOT Buy list from May 2007, beating out such winners as "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing" (a classic) and "Forbes Corporate Warrior" (according to Wikipedia: "hailed by Crain's New York Business Magazine as, 'Doom meets Wharton School of Business.'").  To quote the article, "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is a shallow, hateful waste of a game, and may very well be responsible for having killed the 3DO, interactive fiction, and the whale."  I'd rather take the road not taken.